Mark Tolson and I made these esoteric products for our Mystic Mark Shop. The above Homeopathic Gullibility Cure, "gets to work after only a single gulp, instantly re-energising your incredulity chakras. By building a skeptical particle wall around your naïvety gland it’s also effective at stopping quantum mechanical trickery."
And below, Ghost Cheese is especially churned from the ectoplasm of free-range spirits, (*May contain traces of demons)
If you like any of this we also write a monthly 'astrology' column for The Skinny magazine in the North and Scotland. They're all online here.
Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin.
When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime, especially after you’ve been up all night sodomising infants on a blood-soaked altar. That’s why there’s new Hypoallergenic Shapeshifting Lizard Skin Cream, for the hard-working reptilian overlord who wants to crush the human race AND look great.
Revitalise dry cracked scales with the nutrifying formula, penetrating your watertight, abrasive epidermis with vitamin-enriched micro-molecules. Never again spend hours removing crusty nodules from your armoured eyelids or sandblasting your segmented underbelly. Instead, spend your life-cycle on the things that really matter to you: eating babies, manipulating financial markets and basking on rocks in the warm glow of Earth’s home star.
Whichever form you’ve taken, simply lather the cream onto tough lizard scales or weak and thin human tissue. The vitamin E rich formula gets to work fast, leaving your external membrane hard, reinforced and radiant. Start each day with that “just-shed-skin” feeling!
I made these Weegie Boards for contacting dead weegies for the Mystic Mark shop I run with Mark Tolson. In case you’re not familiar with the term, a weegie is a type of Glaswegian. The type that asks you what the fuck you’re looking at and always wants 18p for the bus.