Tag Daft

KEYBOARD GUIDE (PC)

In 2015 I made a keyboard guide to help people find the keys on their muddled-up keyboards. At the time I used Apple computers myself so without really thinking too much I made it as an Apple keyboard, however a few people complained that as PC users this diagram was confusing and bewildering to them. Now, almost ten years later I am releasing an updated PC version. You can order it here.

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THE HISTORY OF FUCKING

I made a timeline charting the invention of fucking. Partly based this on the organism Microbrachius Dicki which I read was the first-known animal to stop reproducing by spawning and instead mate by fucking. To be 100% accurate though the graph should mention that after the Dicki died out fucking also stopped for a few million years before being brought back by the ancestors of sharks and rays. And this was the article I read that in, also fun fact: In the article there’s also a cute little diagram of them holding hands while they do it: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-29661446

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JIGSAW JIGSAW

If you’d like to populate your nightmares, or the nightmares of your loved ones, with the endless frustration of a recursive jigsaw jigsaw, I’ve started a Kickstarter to get these made up: www.kickstarter.com/projects/darrencullen/jigsaw-jigsaw EDIT: Below is the original mockup

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REAL FAKE OYSTER CARD

Waste everyone’s time, including your own, with this instantly unconvincing Fake Oyster Card sticker kit. Stick it over your real Oyster card so it looks like a fake Oyster card, even though it still works like a real Oyster card. There you have it. Why would you do this? Don’t ask me. You bought it. From here, remember?

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QWERTY

Because the keys on a keyboard are all muddled up and wrong instead of being laid out alphabetically, most people when writing on their computers just hit the buttons in a blind panic and hope for the best, but this is incorrect. The proper technique, used by professionals, is to look up the desired letter in a “keyboard guide” like the one above. This way, by quickly and conveniently following the line to the corresponding button, you can locate the required character on your actual keyboard in a matter of moments, dramatically increasing both your productivity and wellbeing. ‪#‎lifehacks‬ Available as a limited edition print to hang in your work cubicle or home computer room

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FAKE REAL OYSTER CARD

Turn your real Oyster card into a fake Oyster card with this convincingly pointless sticker kit. Available here. Cover each side of the card with the hard-wearing vinyl sticker, cut off the overlapping edges with the supplied scalpel and you’re all set to mildly confuse your friends, fellow commuters and ticket inspectors for no discernible reason.

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BIOLOGY

In case you ever wondered how the toothbrushes in your bathroom reproduce. It has been observed that, after many months of intermingling between brushes, a mature toothbrush will eventually spread its bristles to allow saliva spores to dribble down the side of the cup and settle around its base. Out of this substrate new toothbrushes will then spring up and grow to full size. By spring, your toothbrush cup will be bustling with a wild array of different toothbrush species, until the point comes that they are culled, plucked by a keen-eyed human and thrown in the bin.

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BELOW

Just a reminder that my new comic BELOW is out now. The story of a man sent into the pits of the Earth on a mission of zero importance. It’s just £4 from my shop. In some other mild news, I made the (very) longlists for the British Comic Awards in the Best Comic (for ‘Join the Army’) and Emerging Talent categories. So there. #Comics

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NEW COMIC

Here’s the cover for my new comic BELOW, a bleak sci-fi comedy about mankind’s first subterranean space station. You can order it here. I’ve spent most of the month working on this so that’s why it’s been a bit quiet round here. Launching at Safari Comics Festival this Saturday in London where I’ll be doing a stall of my wares: https://www.facebook.com/events/255312464660716

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BIRTHDAY CARD

Here comes Mr. Time with a special birthday message about the inevitability of death and the impossibility of permanence! Celebrate the steady march of entropy with this easily disposable card made from the mashed wood pulp of once living trees. Look forward with a smile to the obliteration that awaits us all and everything we have ever known. Available to buy here

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