spellingmistakescostlives.com / I love arms

I think it all started back when I was a kid. I'd be using my arms for all kinds of things. Just like picking things up, and moving things and opening things. Arms help you keep your balance and let you climb things. If someone puts a plastic bag over your head, if you have arms; you can take it off so you don't suffocate.

And if you like throwing things or pressing buttons then arms are pretty important aswell. If there's a fire in your house and all the doors are closed then how are you going to get out unless you have arms to open the doors and carry your unconscious children down the stairs? Hugging people becomes an embarrassing bumping of torsos if there are no arms on the side of your chest cage and unless you're posh and use one of those bidets then you're gonna have one shit crust of an arse without some arms to facilitate wiping after toilet sitting.

Arms are also great for wearing jumpers. Boy! The amount of times I'm thankful for having arms when I'm out buying jumpers. You see, all of them have arm sleeves. There's no jumpers around here for those without arms. No sir. What kind of jumper am I going to buy if I don't have any arms? The two sleeves would just be dangling by my side hitting off things and catching in the tube door as it closes. Jesus Christ Almighty, I sure am glad I have arms.

But there are those amongst us who don't have the same passion as me. There are people out there who couldn't give a damn whether they had arms or not. My friend Gareth, for example. He has a lovely pair of arms, one on each side of his torso. I always try and tell him to be thankful for his arms. "They're so lovely," I say. But no! He's like, "blah, blah, blah, I don't give a fuck about arms..." And he just strolls off with his jacket hooked over his shoulder and I think to myself that he wouldn't even be able to do that if he didn't have arms.

And so this would go on and on, until one day we had met up for lunch in a pub. A nice pub, it had hanging baskets with flowers outside and wooden benches - like the one on Hollyoaks. And I'm drinking my pint with a very elegant arm movement up to my face, up and sip and bend and reach and place, and... and Gareth is just half lifting his arm up and half bending his neck and then slamming his arm back down and getting a pen and jabbing it into his wrist, into the bone and his elbow.